I think I won the penis lottery.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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