I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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