the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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