I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
