Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
