Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
