I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
