why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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