I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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