At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
