i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
