Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
