I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
