from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
