Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize