If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
