remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
