You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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