im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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