I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
