dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
