So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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