I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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