The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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