so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
