i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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