I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
