i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
