There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
