I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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