happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
