Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
