Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
