My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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