You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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