Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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