Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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