Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
