i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
