Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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