so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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