My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize