Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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