I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
