I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize