My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
