Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
