I got chris browned last night
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
