I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
