She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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