My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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